Day Six. July 11th, 2011

Today is a bad day for me.
It's my ex's birthday.
He was killed 2 years ago in October.
And not only that, but I got into ANOTHER fight with my boyfriend.
I just can't do anything right can I?
Emotional abuse is accidental, but it hurts worse than physical abuse because it lingers.
I have accepted death. But death hasn't accepted me.
I admit I'm a horrible person, but he never lets it go.
Why can't I hide inside myself?

JD, my ex. He was amazing. He was so innocent, and didn't need to be killed like he was.

I can't do anything right. I hate myself more than anyone should.
I'm nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I wish I could hide from the world.

Day Five. July 10th, 2011.

Wow. Is this the life?
I hope not.
I'm 18, and already forgotten in the sea of panic and laughter.
I'm screaming out loud, yet, I'm lost in a crowd.
No one can hear me. No one can see me.
I'm Invisible.
At least, that's how I feel.
Can anyone save me from the pain inside?
Can anyone hold me up from falling under?
I'm always quiet for the fear of being judged.
I'm always scared of new people for the fear of getting hurt.
Last night, my friend was basically sexually harassed,
And it brought back bad memories.
I know I didn't seem like it, but I was on edge the entire time, and looking around.
I hate the past, and the drunk perverts that don't know when to stop.
I guess "No" was never an answer for me, as I never had the time to say it.
I'm so caught up in the past, I want to let go, and be free.
I wear my butterfly ring on my middle finger, to be able to flip people off and say "Feel free to fuck yourself."
Sometimes, I wish I could be as free as a butterfly.
I want to run away.
I want to be alone.
I mean, yeah. I can leave, I can go, I'm 18.
But I can never get away from the past.
I have no one to open up to.
No one to help me get over it.
I've been stuck in this place for 11 years.
All the bottled up emotions are starting to come back to haunt me.
Sometimes I scream, can you hear me, are you even listening.
And when no reply comes, I give up and lay down.
This never ending feeling of depression.
This never ending feeling of hatred.
Of pain.
I just can't seem to get away, no matter where I go,
No matter what I take.
I try and try and try to run away.
But there's no one on the other side to hold my hand and pull me over.
There's nothing for me anywhere.
I know, I know I'm whining. I know I'm not saying exactly what happened.
But how can I?
There's so much going on,
So much death in the world around us.
I blame myself for everything.

Day Four. July 9th, 2011

Beautiful.
Beautiful is for Barbie.
Plastic, but beautiful.
I will never be beautiful.
People say it, but they can never say anything that's beautiful about me.
I'm never going to be memorable.
You probably don't even know me.
I'm not gonna make an impression on anyone.
I'm not even special enough to get Lilies, my favorite flower.
I hate when people try to tell me I'm something I'm not.
I know I'm not pretty, I'm not special. I'm not anything.
This is a fail post, but it's late.
And I hate myself D:

Day Three. July 8th, 2011

I'm not trying to whine. I'm not trying to fight. I'm just trying to get it all out.
I don't want you to judge me, I just want someone to listen.
I know it seems like I'm the 'attention grabbing' person. But I just want ONE person to listen and help me through this.
I don't really know what to say. I thought I had it all out. But I know that there are 18 years of pain.
I see myself horribly. I laugh, I smile, I cry.
But really, on the inside, I'm thinking that this is not the world.
This is a dream, and imagination.
We are not really here.
This nightmare is following me.
Singing to me.
The death, the hurt, the pain, the torture.
The Screaming.
It's so hard to fall away.
Being sick feels so normal.
I feel like I shouldn't be in this world at all.
It's not fair.
I'm jealous of teenage moms, because they have something I feel I will never have, someone that relies on them, and will always love them.
I feel like with just one word, my brain will collapse, my world will break down.
My life will tear apart.
And I'll be left, all alone.
Wondering.
Waiting.
Wishing.
Hoping.
Does anyone care at all.
I'm so afraid of being judged, I can't be happy in my own skin.
I'm too overweight.
Too ugly.
Too horrible.
Too short.
I hate myself, and everything I've kept inside.
I make up stories in my head, wishing for a different life.
I can't handle being me, being someone who can't see the truth of the world.
I tell myself to live each day like it's my last.
I live each day like it's my first, Cautious.

Day Two. July 7th, 2011.

My mind is not the best place to be. I'm a pessimist, because I figure, if I never expect anything good to happen, then, when it does, it'll be much better, and when it doesn't, I won't be broken.
No one can understand the pain I've gone through. I'm still kind of iffy on if I want to post my past on here. I don't want anyone to know who I am, and tell the people that gave birth to me. I don't want to be forced to talk about it. I want to come out and talk about it myself.
But, I started hating myself after I was touched inappropriately when I was seven. It was scary, and I'm pretty sure the person smoked weed and stuff, my memory of the night is really vivid. And I can see smoke, and smell this horrible smell. I was scared and I was starting to blame myself, immediately after it happened.
Ever since then, I've always had these doubts, and I became more introverted than I had been, before I got brave and outgoing.
I ended up becoming more introverted than before.
I'm paranoid to walk down the street alone.
I'm scared to be home alone.
I'm scared of new people, and I can't talk to anyone new by myself
I'm afraid to love, in case they leave me.
I don't want to be abandoned, and dying alone scares me.
I want to feel the pain when I die, but I'm afraid of never being able to breathe.

Day One Part 2, July 6th, 2011

It hurts. It truly hurts.
The mind is a place, a black hole. You always get lost. I don't know why I can't come back. Ever since the past decided to get in my way, I'm paranoid that everything is going to happen again.
I'm lost in the world, and I just can't seem to break out.
I hate how I look, I always have. No one even said anything when I was younger, I just always had this mindset that I couldn't be the best I wanted to be.
I always doubt myself. And it doesn't help that I'm shy. I don't do well with talking to strangers. And I can't grasp the concept of why people would work where they work or anything that doesn't involve my life directly. How can other people think? Why are we so different, but all trapped in the world of how we are?
I don't talk to many people anymore, I feel like they've all pushed me away. It hurts to know that I will always just be the past to some friends I had thought that I had made forever.
I've hated myself for a long time. I cannot stand the way I look. No one else has forced me into my self loathing hatred, it's just always been there, in the back of my mind.
The only thing that has gotten me to not think about it is the Harry Potter series, its main theme is death, and it has helped me accept everything that I need to accept in order to have a happy life, but my life just cannot be happy.
I have to force myself to cry every week, or I'll have an uncontrollable amount of anger built up in my body.
I cannot take compliments, all I see is a fat, ugly, scarred bitch in the mirror. And when I try to tell people that, they think I'm fishing for compliments, when in reality I just want them to understand. Why am I so horrible?
Why can I not be happy like I wish to be?

Day One. July 6th, 2011.

There's more to it than you think.
You think it's all, "OMG I'm so depressed. I'm going to go kill myself. Then make the world feel so guilty for everything they did."
No. My kind of depression is worse than that. That's the, "I want attention, give me it now bitch." Kind.
My kind of depression? The kind that slowly eats at you from the inside out.
These thoughts of doubt come to me, from unknown sources inside my head.
No one understands. I've asked for help, many many times before, and they all say I'm bluffing, or tell me to suck it up.
I have a very very very bad self image. When I get angry or upset, I think of hurting myself, scratching the skin off my wrists, or cutting off my hands. The most pain I ever cause myself, is scratching my thigh, once, with scissors. It never leaves a mark or blood. Then I sometimes bang my head on the door, to get these thoughts to go away. No one understands the fact that I've had so much troubles in my past, and only a select few know the entire story.
I'm not sure where I want to go with this. But I just want to be heard. I want someone to understand. I can't talk to anyone I know personally, because I act so different on the inside, that they believe that I'm not anything like that.
I've been battling these feelings since I basically gave myself an eating disorder when I was younger. Then there was the time my best friend was killed by a drunk driver, the day before thanksgiving when I was 13. Then my ex was killed by a speeding asshole a couple years ago.
The pain. The death. The misery. I'm always afraid everyone will abandon me, like I'm nothing to anyone. I have this cover, this mask. And I use it so well.
No one understands me when I tell them that I hate myself, they think I'm joking.
But I've done so many fucked up things, I've never said a word to anyone about things that have happened. My exes have called me mistakes, and told me that they only dated me because they thought that I was all they could do.
I'm tired of living a life of silence.
I want my voice heard, but it's not like anyone is reading this anyway.
I'm sorry to have wasted your time computer.
<3